A Dear John

I was trying to find a mission address on the dearelder.com website and came across a few funny Dear John letters. Poor chaps, doesn't seem like anyone ever waits! But I was also thinking of the Prospective Boyfriend Application Marilyn gave me a while back and this was a little reminiscent of that. And don't worry guys, I haven't turned man-hater, I just got a little chuckle out of this! Enjoy.

Dear Elder Smith, I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as "Mr. Right". As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
·__Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
·__The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
·__You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
·__ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
·__You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
·__You have a hairy back.
·__ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
·__The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
·__Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
·__Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
·__Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner
·__The fact that you categorize the ProBowler's Tour as 'must see TV' demonstrates that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.
·__Although I do plan to support my husband in his interests and hobbies, watching you beat the 67th level of Tetris does not rank in my book as “quality time”.
·__Your decision to buy me a wrench for my birthday after I had specifically requested perfume shows a gift selection impairment I feel unequal to correct.
·__Our culinary tastes diverge too greatly. You consider Rice-A-Roni a banquet, and believe pesto is a cleaning product.
·__My idea of a dream home does not have the words, “double-wide” in the title.
·__I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely, Jennifer